Today is the day the dream died.
Today is the day I stop talking about myself in terms of what I see myself doing rather than what I actually do.
As of today, I no longer call myself a photographer.
I’m just some guy that takes photos from time to time.
I regret that I ever thought I could make something of this, that I could do something I enjoyed and actually get paid for it. Perhaps there was a time when that could have been possible, but it’s not today.
All the dream has done is make myself dissatisfied with my development, frustrated by the lack of progress and unhappy with my current life. Sometimes all a dream does is make current reality look worse. I wouldn’t hate my day job as much if I didn’t see it as something that takes away the time I could be developing and doing what I love. It would certainly also take a lot of pressure off my wife who has had to support me as I face brick wall after brick wall.
I gave up music when things got too hard, and I was determined not to let follow the same path with photography. I would persist and persevere. But the fact is, I’m looking for not only a hobby, but a career in photography, and in the last 4 years or so since I decided to get serious about it, I’ve made about $100 from it. In the process of making that $100, I’ve spent about $150 a year on the website, a couple of thousand on equipment, and a whole lot of time and effort that have basically brought little reward.
Add to that that I am telling stories that nobody wants to hear.
I could become a wedding photographer and make money, but firstly, I’d be a mediocre one, and I just wouldn’t have the level of interest in what I was shooting to make images of any quality.
It seems I love photography, but there is no place for me there. If it were simply a matter of doors closing in my face, I’d keep knocking. The problem is I can’t even find the doors to knock on. I can see no way of changing the situation as I cannot see any way to create opportunities for myself or to make any kind of break through. It’s not about it being too hard, it’s about not knowing where to make the effort and put in the hard work, as it seems I’ve been putting it in all the wrong places.
I can take OK photos, sometimes even good ones, but I lack the business mind to actually make something from them. There are plenty of mediocre photographers making a living from it – you’ve really gotta have a certain kind of (sometimes delusionary) confidence, self-promotion ability and strong business mind, and I don’t. I’m just someone who wants to tell a few stories through photography.
It was fun while it lasted, but I think it’s time to find another dream…